Flash Fiction – The Fortune Cookie

Writing Prompt from Passionate Ink – Every morning when you wake up, something from your last dream of the night becomes real for an hour.

The Fortune Cookie…

fortune cookie

Courtney wished the Ambien worked and left her dream free, but no… instead she found herself slamming her fist down on her squealing alarm clock and pushing the sand from her eyes.  Dammit, the sand?  Last night her dream of Rahul the towel boy plying her with Pina Coladas and offering to rub lotion into her back was pretty fantastic.  Watching the sunset on the beach was lovely… but this morning did she have Rahul in her bed massaging her limbs?  No, dammit, she had a freaking hangover from drinking cheap ass rum and there was sand in her hair.  By the time she washed and dried it she’d be late to work, again!

She pushed the bedcovers back and tromped to her shower.  Freaking Chinese Fortune Cookie.  Your dreams will come true.  What an idiot she was to add the stupid “in bed” line to it after she read it aloud at lunch.  She looked around her bedroom and wished there was a way to make it stop.  Every morning for more than two weeks something from her dream became real and it was never the good stuff.  No, in the last two weeks she had been late to work because a dream bee-sting put her in a near anaphylactic shock after having tea in the garden near her grandparents home.  Then there was demon that followed her home and broke her television while she tried to reason with it until it finally disappeared.  Try claiming that on your renters’ insurance.  She broke her toe in a dream and had to limp to work that day.  It was hard to explain why her swelling miraculously was cured before lunch because none of her co-workers had the same luck when it came to their fortune cookies.  No, Oscar didn’t get any money, Janet didn’t get a promotion, and Phil from accounting didn’t win the lottery playing the numbers on the back. He did, however, get slapped by someone when he tried to pronounce flower in Chinese.

#WTF Gwyneth Paltrow Fails the #FoodBankNYCChallenge

Kale? WTF?

The New York City Food Bank challenges us to spend $1.38 per meal for seven days – $29.00 per person for an entire week. Gwyneth Paltrow took the challenge and failed. Well, hello she bought kale and sweet potatoes #CrazyWhiteChick. Seriously WTF white girl? Who freaking buys kale and sweet potatoes with food stamps? Any fool would tap out with that menu! Come to my neck of the woods and see what people purchase on food stamps, it’s not organic for starters…

My own personal experience from college in the Pleistocene era when I had about $35.00 a week for food and other essentials wasn’t memorable. I never went hungry but I never ate for pleasure. Perhaps this is where Ms. Paltrow and others really fail. It’s the understanding that eating for pleasure is a treat, and making each meal “nutritionally sound” is a farce. Somehow, in the grand scheme of things, we manage to survive our legume-phobic childhoods and thrive.

What do I remember eating back then? Nothing green, that’s for sure, although there was salsa. I remember my foods revolving around P’s – potatoes, pasta, and peanut butter. For a special treat I had popcorn. Ramen sold for ten cents a pack at Sam’s Club. I still can’t eat it today, although my daughter – now in college – seems to like it.

Really I’m not sure how I survived because there was very little dairy, scant vegetables, and yet I thrived. Honestly I survived most of my childhood avoiding all vegetables and milk. I still managed to grow to a healthy adult woman, 5’10”. 

When budgeting for family meals I had the wild idea that I would economize on our food bill for our family of five. I planned menus carefully. For example, bake a chicken with the vegetables on day one. Day two chicken salad sandwiches. Day three I planned to make chicken soup.

The reality – day one baked chicken devoured, not enough left over for soup and sandwiches. Day two soup – like a gallon which only my husband and I ate. The kids had cereal for dinner. At least they had milk.

Betty White wouldn’t have had any trouble, I’m sure. I will admit that now the kids are older they are more willing to eat the delicious nutritious meals I make. It could help that I stopped buying cereal.

All meals for under a dollar… just sayin’

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April’s ManCandy Theme continues with Jeffrey Hunter

jeffrey hunter

Can you guess what my ManCandy theme for April is?  Jeffrey Hunter is a hottie from another decade but he has something in common with Willem Dafoe and Diogo.  If you figure it out, drop me a line at tobi.doyle@comcast.net or comment below.  I’ll draw five names randomly from the correct answers and the winners receive one of my ebooks of their choice.

#FlashFiction #WritingPrompt “She didn’t think she’d go for a run today but that cop came out of nowhere…”

She didn’t think she’d go for a run today but that cop came out of nowhere…

The cop’s eyes dropped to her purse and she could swear he was using x-ray vision to see the petite porcelain porcine wrapped in a scrap of silk cloth. She quickened her steps and heard his boots approaching closer. His long-legged gait casually ate up the distance between them. Ahead the door for the parking garage promised her refuge. It wasn’t as if she had done something terribly illegal… she simply liberated her Grand Aunt’s treasure from the antique store. Her mother had no right to place the treasure there, and it was on consignment, so really she wasn’t stealing from the store, simply returning her Grand Aunt’s treasure.

“Ma’am, I think you dropped this.” His voice was low, insistent, and definitely commanding.

Kat knew she hadn’t dropped anything, but it was a good ruse. Most days she would have stopped, but today she was wiser. She reached the door pushing through and ignoring him. She ran. Fishing through her purse she palmed the pig and sought a temporary haven. The sound of the cop cursing only made her feel more foolish in this exploit. It also increased her speed and lightness of foot. Thankfully her car was shielded by a large van. She quickly stowed the pig in the space between her windshield and hood, tucking the silk in carefully. Surely the police officer wouldn’t find it there. She climbed in her car, started it and drove cautiously toward the exit. As expected, the cop stopped her progress.

“Ma’am? Is there a reason you ran?” He asked while studying her carefully.

She blushed, “Why yes, I’ll be late for work. Is there a problem?”

He looked at her, shook his head and stepped back. “Drive carefully.” She smiled gratefully and pulled away, hearing him call out, “Hey, there’s something stuck in your hood.”

She waved and continued driving, checking her rearview mirror to see that yes, he was writing down her license plate. Her Grand Aunt better have bail money…

#WTFWednesday Bad Neighbors

My son sent me this youtube link and I died. I swear to God I think I lived below these folks. I’m so glad we own a house now!

True story, about twenty years ago we lived in an apartment complex with several college students. We were the “older” young married couple and I was pregnant with our first child. The next door neighbor had HUMUNGOUS speakers and that massive bass thing. Did I mention he liked to play video games? So, we as working adults would go to bed around ten and be woken up by a bass beat or explosions until two in the morning a few times a week. It drove me nuts. I spoke to the immature neighbors who really didn’t care. I spoke with the landlord with little help. (They were also in bed when these guys were being loud.) Finally, one day a parent of one of the miscreants was visiting and commented that they should move the speakers so the sound didn’t travel through the wall. “Surely it disturbs your neighbors,” the father said while standing in the hallway. I was nine months pregnant and assured him that, “Yes, it does.” Nothing changed.

My beautiful daughter was born and you know the saying that “revenge is a dish best served cold?” Yeah, so guess who was up at midnight, two, four, and six for a few weeks feeding the baby? And you know what? I played ding-dong doorbell ditch for WEEKS before she slept through the night. ‘Cuz that’s how I roll. #PassiveAggressive

April’s ManCandy Theme continues with Willem Dafoe

The Metropolitan Opera's 125th

Can you guess what my ManCandy theme for April is?  Willem Dafoe is my second treat.  Each Monday I’ll add another delectable piece of mancandy and they all have something in common. If you figure it out, drop me a line at tobi.doyle@comcast.net or comment below.  I’ll draw five names randomly from the correct answers and the winners receive one of my ebooks of their choice.

 

#WTFWednesday Migraines and Malaria

I wonder what the purpose of migraines and mosquitoes are. I hate migraines. Fortunately they don’t bother me as much as they used to in my twenties but I have to wonder what evolutionary purpose they have? Worse, I learned they are genetically linked so while I watched my mother suffer from them when I was a child, I now have the guilt of watching my own children succumbing to them as an adult.

Perhaps I was not supposed to breed.

I get vomiting which rapidly forces pathogens out of your body, and even fevers killing off viruses and bacteria but mind numbing headaches. Light sensitivities so that you have to hide in your cave… seriously if they were this bad thousands of years ago how did this gene ever get passed on?

This brings me to mosquitoes. Purpose of mosquitoes is passing on malaria. Honestly if they all died how would it change our environment? There are many other insects for birds and bats to consume. Other larvae could be fish food. Why are they still alive? Why haven’t we just eradicated all of them like we try to take out polio or other pathogens?

So, while I sit in my post-migraine fog where logic is fuzzy at best and I wonder why the hell the medicine hasn’t kicked in yet, I have to wonder why can’t we just get rid of every freaking mosquito on the planet? Or maybe I should just take a nap.

April’s ManCandy Theme… Begins with – Diogo Morgado

diogomorgadoCan you guess what my ManCandy theme for April is?  This actor, Diogo Morgado, is my first treat, each Monday I’ll add another delectable piece of mancandy and they all have something in common. If you figure it out, drop me a line at tobi.doyle@comcast.net or comment below.  I’ll draw five names randomly from the correct answers and the winners receive one of my ebooks of their choice.